


Why

by yuraxchan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 04:46:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuraxchan/pseuds/yuraxchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m here, by your side, but I’m not enough for you. I’m never enough, I’ll never be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why

I’m watching you staring at the stars in the moonlight. I want to reach you, take your hand and see your smiling face but you’re not really here, are you ? Your mind is elsewhere, far away from here, away from me, away from us.

I call your name softly, you hum but don’t turn to face me. I keep silent waiting for you to look at me, but you don’t really see me, right ? Your never saw me.

I’m here, by your side, but I’m not enough for you. I’m never enough, I’ll never be. That’s quite sad, isn’t it ? Because for me, you are all I want, all I can see. Just you. To me, there is only you. But I’m the only one feeling this way. What can I do ? Why don’t you see me as I see you ? Why ?

*

Saturday night. They’re all gathered together for a small party between friends, getting wasted, playing video games, or stupid alcohol games – the latter most of the times. Sehun sat quietly by the window gazing at the stars, drinking his beer and trying not to think about the other boy laughing at the other side of the room – and failing miserably.

Some minutes later, the boy in question put his chin on his shoulder while he tried hard not to turn to face him and kiss him right then and there. Because, well, it’s not a good idea even if there’re drunk. Or a bit intoxicated in his case. His heartbeat increased.  
“What do you want ?” He stuttered, fighting a blush. “Nothing. I’m just staring at you Oh Sehun. Can’t I ?” He asked, smiling. “Whatever.” He grumbled, gazing at the sky. His bestfriend, Kim Jongin, slumped on him, wrapping his arms around his waist and sighed softly. “I’m drunk.” He groaned, hiding his face in the fabric of Sehun’s shirt. “I know. Silly. But I’m not.” He stated.  
Jongin stired and poked his cheek. “You’re no fun…but it’s a good thing, you’re going to carry me back home.” He smirked.

He was right. Jongin was always right though. Sehun had to carry him home, blocking his attempt to jump in a fountain or to cross the busy street. How they managed to arrive in one piece, he doesn’t know, but they succeeded anyway. He took the dark skinned boy to bed, removed his clothes – it was quite hard because Jongin kept bouncing in the bed, and put him to sleep. A drunk Jongin was always sleepy so it was always easy to put him to bed.

Sehun stayed a few minutes in the room, staring at his face, pushing the strands of hair out his eyes and wishing he could watch him sleep every night. He sighed, kissed his forehead and went out.

*

At noon his phone rang, waking him up. He groaned but read his text anyway.

‘Jongin told me something about you yesterday night before he got drunk. You should talk to him Sehun-ah !’ Said the text, sent by Kyungsoo, one of their friends.

He frowned. What did he say and why to Kyungsoo ? He knew Jongin and Kyungsoo were close, not as close as Jongin and him but close nonetheless. His heart shrank in his chest at the familiar feeling of jealousy, he tried to push it away without success. It was silly really, because he was the one Jongin asked to live with, he was the one always by his side, he was the one he trusted when he was drunk – like last night. But he couldn’t help his insecurities to eat him alive, and it was worse because of the not-only-friendly-feelings he had for Jongin.

Sehun finally got up and made some coffee, preparing a pill for Jongin to cure his hangover. As if on cue, the elder entered the kitchen, massaging his head. He let himself fall on a chair and groaned. Sehun sighed and pushed the medicine and a glass of water in front of him. “Thanks.” He croaked.

The younger observed him for a long time in silence before speaking. “Do you have something you want to tell me perhaps?” He tried. The dark skinned boy raised his head and stared at him strangely. “Uh no ?” He said, confused. “Oh. Okay then.” Sehun sighed and rose from his seat, offering him a smile. “It’s nothing, don’t worry. Just Kyungsoo sent me a text and told me to talk to you or something. But if there’s nothing to tell then it’s fine.” He rambled, flustered.

Jongin watched him disappear, biting his lip. He needed to tell him soon, he didn’t want him to think he betrayed him by not telling him.

*

The day passed slowly, both of them staying in their room. There was some kind of tension but Sehun didn’t know why or what caused it. Tired to avoid Jongin and be avoided, he took the courage to knock on Jongin’s door. The latter opened, shirtless and surprised to see him, but he let him pass. Sehun sat on the bed, uneasy. ‘It’s just Jongin ! Man up !’ He thought.

“So ?” Jongin tried. “Mmh do you…want to watch a movie ?” He asked, thinking ‘stupid’ in his head. Jongin looked at him funny but didn’t say anything. “Sure, if you want. What do you want to watch ?” He opened his box full of DVDs and waited for his decision. “Anything is fine.” Sehun stated.

The elder nodded and chose a movie. He went to grab some potato chips and settled comfortably on his bed, hip to hip with Sehun. In the middle of the movie, they went under the blanket, feeling cold. The pale skinned boy tried not to shiver when their skins touched and create some space between them but the bed was too small. Plus, Jongin put his head on his shoulder - it was a habit he developed with Sehun, making the younger tense.

At the end of the movie, they remained silent for a while to enjoy the presence of one another. Jongin spoke first. “Sehun, I…have something to tell you. But I don’t know how.” Sehun bit his lips, nervous. What did Jongin want to tell him ? “What ?” He asked, turning his head to look at him. “I…will move out.” He murmured, refusing to meet his gaze.

Sehun froze at his words. “Why ?” He said, trying to mask the hurt but failing miserably. “I…need to put some space between us. We can’t just stay always together like this, right ? We need to meet people, build our life, and have a girlfriend or something.” He explained with sad eyes. His best friend pulled away from him, hurt. It felt like a slap in the face.

“You…want to put space between us ? I don’t understand. We’re best friend Jongin, a lot of friends live together and it’s not a problem to build their life, is it ? You don’t make sense. It’s just an excuse. You just want to get rid of me. I just…don’t understand why. What did I do ?” He asked, wrapping his arms around himself.

Jongin’s eyes widened as he quickly stood up. It was the exact reason why he dreaded the moment. He knew Sehun would think something like that and it scared him to no end. “No no no. Sehun, please calm down and hear me out ok ?” He pleaded, approaching him. Sehun backed up the door, stopping him.

“I…It’s not your fault or anything. You did nothing wrong ! Don’t even think that. Sehun, you’re my best friend and it won’t change. It’s just me, I need to…take my life in hand.” He explained calmly.

“I…don’t understand. I’m sorry.” He stated, confused. “Where will you stay ?” The younger asked then, worried. Jongin looked torn and guilty, lowering his head. “I will crash at Kyungsoo’s place for a while…” He breathed.

Sehun inhaled loudly, his eyes darkening. “So, it’s ok to stay with Kyungsoo, a friend, but not with me, your best friend ? Are you fucking with me Jongin ? You told me it has nothing to do with me and then you’re going to stay with Kyungsoo ?” He snapped, furious, clenching his fits.

Then, he closed his eyes, breathed slowly, trying to calm down and ran his hand on his face. “Ok. I get it. Just do what you want, I don’t fucking care anymore. Just take your things and get the fuck out of here ! And don’t even think about coming back. I thought I knew you but clearly I was dead wrong. How stupid can I get ? I’m out of here. Have a fucking good life with Kyungsoo you fucker !” He yelled, yanking the door open and walking out.

He took his things, keys and some cash, a hoodie and headed to the front door, slamming it after him. Jongin stared where he stood even if he was no longer here, shocked. He sat on his bed, hiding his head in his hands and let his frustrated tears flew.

*

Sehun took the bus and went to Kyungsoo’s flat. He needed some explanations. The boy seemed surprise to see him but just looking at his expression he knew something was wrong.

“Something happened ?” He asked, showing Sehun in. They sat on the couch and Sehun explained. “Why does he want to move out ? And why does he want to live with you ? Do you know something I don’t hyung ?” He asked with pleading eyes. “I’m sorry Sehun, I don’t really know…He just asked me If he could stay with me suddenly. I thought he was saying this because you had a fight or something…I didn’t know he was serious.” Kyungsoo said, worried.

Sehun looked so heartbroken, so small on his couch. He didn’t know what to do for him to get better. He made them some tea and came back with cookies.

“Hyung, do you…think maybe Jongin could like you ?” Sehun asked, not meeting his eyes. Kyungsoo stared at him for a good minute and sighed. “No. Jongin doesn’t like me Sehun-ah. If he liked someone, it would be you.” He smiled.

The younger lowered his head, embarrassed. “Hyung. I like him. I may even love him. It’s silly right ?”

Kyungsoo sighed. “No, it’s not. I think it’s about time you face your feelings for each other you know. You live together, always side by side, sometimes you even finish each other sentences !” He laughed softly.

“You know, it hurts to live with him, because he’s so close but so far away at the same time. It’s like I’m always facing his back, figuratively speaking of course. But even if it hurts…I would rather be hurt by living with him, staying by his side and never have him than never see him.” He stated, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Did you tell him ?” The elder asked, concerned. “No. He told me, I got angry, yelled, told him to fuck off and here I am. I got hurt, and then mad because his excuse is crap.” He snorted. “Maybe you should tell him all the things you said to me. I sensed some tension between you guys recently, it’s perhaps why he’s confused you know.” Sehun nodded and played with his fingers, a habit he had when he got nervous.

“Go to him. And talk it out. If he tries to run away, just lock him up.” Kyungsoo suggested, smiling devilishly, snatching a laugh to Sehun. “I will do that, thank you hyung.” He said, smiling warmly at his friend. “You’re welcome, that’s what are friends for, right ?”

They talked some more before Kyungsoo kicked him out.

*

When he returned, Jongin was at the exact same place he left him. He raised his head when he heard the noise, staring at Sehun with apprehension. The latter sighed and entered his room, sitting beside him. He saw the traces of tears on his cheeks but didn’t comment on it, ashamed to be the cause of it.

“I’m sorry.” He breathed. “I didn’t have the right to say all those hurtful things to you, I was mad and I don’t think what I said earlier.” He turned to face him and his gaze softened at the sight of a distraught Jongin. He seemed so lost, Sehun wanted to take him in his arms and never let him go. So he did just that, wrapping his arms around him, he hugged him tight.

Jongin tensed but relaxed instantly, responding at the embrace. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t know how to tell you, and I fucked up. It’s just…I’m so confused Sehun. About me, about us. What are we ? What are you to me ? I asked myself this for the past two months. I began to see you differently, to crave for your touch, I even found myself becoming jealous of our friends, it’s so stupid. I was scared, and I wanted to distance myself, I thought I was sick to think about all those things about you. You’re like a brother to me, even my parents consider you as their son. And then, I never thought myself to be gay. It’s not a problem if I like guys, just it’s a bit too much and too sudden.” He explained, babbling.

“Why didn’t you tell me all of this ? I could have help you, I’m your best friend, I wouldn’t have judge you, you know that.” Sehun said softly, his hands caressing his back. “I know. I just…It was about you, I couldn’t come to tell you ‘Hey Sehun I just had a wet dream about you. By the way the weather is nice, what’s up buddy ?’…so frustrating.” He whined. The younger laughed a little, amused.

They kept quiet before Sehun pushed him by the shoulders to face him properly. “I would have reply ‘Oh really ? I had wet dreams about you since forever, took you long enough !’” He murmured, cupping his cheeks and smiling.

Jongin stared at him in awe, visibly shocked “You…” he began then smiled timidly at him in reply. Sehun leaned on him to press their lips together, just a small kiss, he didn’t want to scare Jongin away. Even if he wanted more, he was content with it – for now. He pulled back, smiling gently when Jongin’s eyes fluttered open. “Is it ok ?” He asked. “Yeah” The elder breathed, in a daze. “But I want more.” He didn’t let time for Sehun to reply and reached for him to kiss him again. He moved his lips slowly against Sehun’s, then licked his upper lip to ask for entrance. They battled for dominance, moaning and groaning in the exchange. They made out for a while, Jongin’s hands creeping under the boy’s shirt and roaming his back.

Sehun pulled back, out of breath, thumbing his swollen lips. “We need to slow down…” He explained at a confused Jongin. “Are you fucking serious Oh Sehun ? There’s no way we’re stopping now. We’re nor strangers nor virgins anymore.” He stated, incredulous.

“B-B-But…we-” The younger tried, cut off by Jongin. “Shut up and kiss me !” He growled, leaning to seal their mouths.

Sehun smiled in the kiss and let him take the lead, falling back on the bed with Jongin on top of him. He was right, they have lost enough time.


End file.
